The performance review and a fall from grace

A sobering reality check

“Needs improvement”.

The words reverberated through my headset and all I could do was nod and smile to the little circle at the top of my laptop.

I’ve always been somewhat of a high achiever throughout my academic life. Even in the years after school and university when the real (read: corporate) world jaded me and wore me out, I’d never scored this low in a performance review before.

My job title is one of those that would seem made up to anyone outside of the corporate world. For the longest time, I’d viewed my job and career as something I just had to do to afford me the means to enjoy my life outside of work (after paying the bills of course).

By that logic, this performance review should’ve been water off a duck’s back but the reality was far from it. After numbing out for the rest of the online meeting, I sighed with relief as I finally pressed the red button.

The room was quiet again, and I burst into tears.

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My manager is the nicest person I’ve ever met and I sometimes see her more as my work mother. She is sympathetic about my recent health struggles while keeping me accountable for my responsibilities; she’s professional but understanding.

So hearing her say that she could see how much my confidence at work had diminished over the last year was a sobering reality check. It was incredibly validating to have someone truly see me and the battles I’d been fighting in my own mind and at my workplace, but it was also painful to hear.

The subsequent “I don’t think you’re working at your full potential” and “I just want you to feel happy and confident at work again” were more like daggers and blows than the cherry and sprinkles on top that I was expecting.

Despite these words coming from a place of care and genuine concern, they stung nonetheless. Here I was, at 11:00am on a Monday in my home office, forced to confront my fall from grace.

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As I gave myself some horizontal time on my couch, I reflected on the year that had just passed. Having 2 bouts of bronchitis, starting an SSRI, undergoing debilitating EMDR therapy sessions and going through a humiliating grievance situation at work — all while planning a wedding — had really taken it out of me.

The bright-eyed and bushy-tailed girl in her early 20s who had started this job now seemed unreachable, and I lamented the loss of her. She had been replaced by a cynical woman in her late 20s who overthought and yet somehow also under-cared. The girl who confidently asserted herself before had devolved into a woman who constantly hesitated and second-guessed herself. How had I let it get this bad?

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As I sit here on the eve of the follow-up meeting to my performance review with both my manager and her manager (something I’ve never had to do before), the anxious thoughts are swirling and I have no idea what to expect.

A sense of dread is looming over me and I question whether I have any mental strength left to weather this next storm.

I tell myself “I don’t care” but I think the deepest parts of me ache knowing that I’m not at my best, even if it is just at work.

Despite this, I’m grateful for my manager’s observations even if just to feel seen and understood by someone, and maybe the me in 5 years’ time will look back at this moment and see that it was the reality check I needed to turn my life around (here’s hoping).

Securely yours,

Jess xx